Further
by omschen
Summary: Beverly asks Jean Luc to keep her company after Wesely left with the traveler.


Note: Characters and first sentence is Paramount-the rest is mine. Have fun reading and reviewing.

_"Now, you be sure to dress warmly on those other planes of existence."  
_

Picard turned around and slowly directed his feet towards the door. He wanted to give them one last moment of privacy. At least as much privacy as you can get in a transporter room on a starship. Memories of Beverly standing on the platform in a woolen dress and a long coat floated his mind. The goodbye was inevitable. He had wanted to step onto the platform and pull her back. He had wanted to shout at her to stay, to not be foolish, he had wanted to beg her not to leave, but goodbyes in transporter rooms are never that way. They are not like in the movies. Not with a transporter chief standing behind the panel trying desperately to ignore the scene that is in front of him, fumbling with the controls or turning towards some screen.

He heard the glittering sound of the transporter beam and slowed down slightly turning around. He looked into Beverly's eyes, that seemed even deeper. He noticed tears shimmering in the corner of her eyes. She was walking, her back and head straight upright. She quickly shook her hair out of her face and took long measured steps towards the door. He let her walk in front of him, placing his strong hand on her back in between her shoulders. He felt her astonishment in her slowing down for a single step and her appreciation by her leaning slightly towards his hand.

He had given the crewman something to gossip, but he was sure, he had not noticed the tiny shift in Beverly's step or her leaning into his hand. He didn't mind the gossip. Not today. They had learned those subtle signs of closeness over a long time. A hand on the others shoulder, a word in the other ones ear, arms brushing against each other while walking or touching while he stood partly behind her in a group listening to a conversation.

Deep friendship and love for each other, that was not to be, but always has been there. Yes, always. At least form his side, but only recently, he had learned that she loved him too, that she even had for a long time and that she struggled with similar fears about acting on this love. But she had decided against it and he had agreed. He had denied his passion for her, his passion to love and worship her with his whole body and soul to preseve this friendship. Being with her like that in a way was cruel, but it was better than being apart from her.

Beverly herself was almost overwhelmed by his gesture. She felt his hand burning like fire on her back and wished it had landed one inch higher, where his fingers would touch her bare skin. She wanted to feel his warmth on her skin even though his hand already burned like fire through her uniform. After this disastrous evening in his quarters, they had carefully avoided coming to close. Before, they had shared as many close moments as possible, never trying to show the other, that they sought the others touch. But afterwards they were carefully avoiding those touches, trying to not let the other one know they did, afraid to overstep the border she had set, still afraid to show the line, she had drawn between them.

But with this gesture he overstepped everything. He was too close, too much in public, to intimate and honestly, she didn't mind a bit. She savored his touch, his closeness, his warmth, his friendship and yes, she also savored his love. It was never a question whether she wanted his love and closeness. She always had. She even had encouraged him to come close, had invited him, teased him and at the same time kept him at arm's length. She was a bitch acting in way, but she claimed it to be necessary for the sake of both of them. Probably she was right to do so. But maybe, just maybe not.

Right now she decided to push away those thought and leaned into his touch as much as possible. They reached the turbolift and she was glad to find it empty. Ever the gentleman he entered behind her, his hand still on her back. For the first time since he touched her, she turned to look into his eyes. She had been afraid of what she would see in them. She was one of the few people he granted access to his soul. What she now found, almost threw her back against the bulkhead. She had expected compassion and a hint of grief, but the only thing she found was love. Probably he didn't expect her to turn around, otherwise he would have masked his feelings for her to not disturb their vulnerable equilibrium. But maybe, just maybe, he didn't care this time. Maybe he simply was tired off all that borders they regularly built in between them.

She had done the same before. When the Borg had taken him, when the Cardassians had taken him, when all those terrible things had happened to him, she had crossed that border and had been there for him in a way that crossed that border. She simply couldn't any other way. She had involuntary switched from Doctor and friend to lover, not being able to hold back.

It didn't take him longer than 4 or 5 seconds to raise his guards. To shut out the love he felt for her and show only friendship and concern. Having noticed the change, she smiled. Having noticed, she had noticed, he smiled back. No further words were needed. They knew. He knew she understood and that it wouldn't stand in between him. One could say, she had a habit of excusing his small escapades. And he knew it was because she also loved him.

Silence filled the lift while they were traveling through the ship. She leaned in a bit closer, her arm touching his chest. She leaned her head towards his. Her hair tickled his nose. Did she even know, what that did to him. His hand moved a bit higher. He brushed his thump over her neck, before he let his hand slowly wander down to rest on the small of her back. She shivered when his thump brushed over her bare skin.

"Beverly...", he started.

But the lift slowed down signaling the arrival at their destination. He took a deep breath. The doors opened and she turned towards him and nodded. He smiled encouraging. She smiled back and nodded. The left the lift together and directed their steps towards her quarters. Arriving they both slowed down and stopped in front of her door. She turned to face him.

"Jean Luc, would you want to come in?"

He smiled.

"Of course",

He answered steadying his voice.

"I would like to keep you company, indeed",

He added.

She smiled at him, entering in front of him. When the door closed, she turned around.

"If you don't mind, I would want to change into something more comfortable. Will you fetch us something to drink?"

"Ok!"

Beverly slipped into the bedroom. Jean Luc felt slightly lost. When was the last time, he had been in her quarters. It must have been several years ago. They usually met in his quarters or ten forward. He carefully looked around and started to walk through her quarters. They were considerably smaller than his and he remembered, that she had asked for small quarters, stating that she didn't need a lot of space. He went over to the small shelf, where she had placed some pictures. There was the one of Wesley as a baby, that she had had in every home. And the one of Jack at his promotion in his uniform. The one of Beverly and her Grandmother Felisa and naturally the one showing a small Beverly in between her mother and father. She was a cute girl, with red locks and that special twinkle in her eyes. She looked just like her mother.

And then he found the picture of himself and her. She was leaning into him. They both looked so happy. Her eyes were sparkling and he had to admit, that he looked relaxed and happy. He let his finger wander over the frame, than over her face, her eyes, her smile as if he could relive that experience. He felt slightly misplaced among all the family pictures. But then again, she was like family to him, maybe even more like his real family and he felt proud, that she obviously felt the same about him.

He let his eyes wander over the sofa and found her grandmother's blanket. It must be one of the view things, she had taken into the ship from her grandmother and from Caldos. He instantly remembered watching her in her grandmothers house. She had only been wearing a silk night dress and had wrapped the blanket around her shoulders. She was very aroused and his first thought was shame. Shame he had come and did see her in that state. His second thought had been, that she looked incredibly sexy. After that the only thing left was jealousy. He confronted Beverly and Ronin. He would never had had another calm day, had he not at least tried to win her back.

The outcome was not foreseeable. Ronin had managed to push him to the ground and hurt him badly. And even though Beverly was under his control, she managed to free herself from his influence and save him. When she came back, their relationship was strained for quite some time. Longer than after Kesprytt. She must have felt ashamed. It took them some time and several breakfast invitations until they managed their usual routine again.

His eyes wandered towards the bedroom door. Beverly had left the door open, but she must have gone to the bathroom. She had a small desk with a terminal standing in the bedroom. Next to it he noticed a cosmetic table with a mirror on top. Her bed was situated beneath the viewport. He wondered whether she was watching the stars, before going to sleep like he did. When he heard a noise he quickly turned around.

He looked at the chronometer. It was way past dinner time and neither he nor her had had something to eat before they had given their goodbyes to Wesley. Some dinner would be in order. He looked into the direction of her small dining area. It consisted of a rather small round table and three chairs It didn't look very inviting. In fact none of the dining areas did look inviting. So it is not astonishing, that most of the crew took lunch and diner in Ten Forward or any of the other small eating places around the ship. He doubted that Beverly had had many meals at this table. His own quarters were bigger, the table was bigger, but still eating alone was depressing. When Beverly did not join him for diner, he would rather sit at his desk and read while having something to eat.

He was very grateful that Beverly came over for most of their meals and rescued him out of his loneliness. Beverly's table was full of books and pads. He stepped over to the replicator and ordered some sandwiches and tea and decided to place them on the small sofa table. It looked a lot more inviting and he was sure, that they would be more comfortable there. He placed the tray with sandwiches and two plates on the low table. As he didn't know, where they should sit, he placed everything in the middle. She would sit on the sofa. Most likely in the same corner she usually occupied in his quarters. Should he sit down on the sofa next to her or on the chair opposite to her!

Going back to the replicator to fetch the tea, he heard her come from the bedroom. He turned around automatically to look at her. She had changed from her uniform to a loose sweater and black tight trousers. She had lost some weight during the last months and looked more fragile. His eyes went up from her bare feet to her head. She had put her hair together in a loose ponytail. As much as he loved to watch the light dance in her hair, he had learned to appreciate her wearing it in a ponytail, as it gave him a good view on her long neck.

"I organized some diner and tea."

He stated the obvious, not knowing what to say. In a way the scenery was awkward to both of them. They never had diner at her place. He rarely had been there, and he didn't know how to start a conversation. Silence had never been a problem between them, but he thought he should say something. She smiled, appreciating his attempt to make them more comfortable.

She closed the distance between them, to take the teacups and motioned him to sit on the sofa. As he had predicted she took her comer. He noticed, that she had strechted out the hand to grab her grandmother's blanket but stopped in midway and retreated. Still not knowing where to sit he stood with his cup and looked out towards the viewport. Finally she padded on the sofa next to her.

"Come on Jean Luc, sit down with me."

He placed the cup on the table and sat down, grabbing one of the plates.

„Chicken or Avocado?"

She smiled.

„Chicken. Thank you."

He handed her the plate with the sandwich and took one himself. Leaning back, he took his first bite. They ate their sandwich in comfortable silence. Beverly reached for the avocado sandwich, took a look at it and then looked at Picard.

"Thanks for staying with me."

He shook his head and turned towards her.

"Oh it is nothing."

She shook her head and placed her hand on his forearm.

"It might be nothing for you, but to me in means everything right now."

She turned her head to look towards the stars, but felt him staring at her. She swallowed the lump in her throat. Then turned to take a sip of tea removing her hand from his forearm.

Picard shifted slightly uncomfortably. She had done it again. Not deliberately, not to tease him, she had just let her heart speak and given him hope for something, that would never happen. When in the world would he be able to listen to words like that and be strong enough to keep them from his heart. He was an established starship captain, a diplomat, a scientist and was known for his coolness. Nothing could shake him to fall, but her words never failed to reach his center. He wondered, whether comments like that would ever leave his heart untouched. Whether he would simply acknowledge them and see it as what they were: a friendly comment. He doubted that. He involuntarily sighed and took a bite from his sandwich.

But she had heard the sigh and turned her head to look at him, he saw her hand reaching for him for a moment but then she redirected it to rest on her leg.

"I am sorry."

He swallowed the lump in his throat. He tried to remember the last time both of them were so vulnerable, their feelings lying so close to the surface and they both were too tired or weak to keep them, were they needed to be kept: deep down.

She swallowed the rest of her sandwich and gulped the rest down with a sip of tea. She looked though the viewport again, waiting for him to finish his meal and then turned to face him. She had moved both of her legs under her body, as was her habit when feeling comfortable and Picard leaned back, resting his back against the sofa, turning towards her as it was his habit when being comfortable, but only with her. We are all an old couple are, he thought to himself. We have our routines and our friendship and found someone to rest in.

Finally she turned to face him. When she saw him, she smiled. Her sofa was smaller than his and to not look ridiculous and sit on the very far end, he had to sit a lot closer. She could see the strain in his body earlier, but now she was happy to note that he slowly relaxed.

"You know Jean Luc",

She started and instantly had his unlimited attention.

"I don't know what I am supposed to feel. Should I be proud that Wesley is meant for, well how am I supposed to put this? For something higher or special or extraordinary? I should, shouldn't I?"

She looked at him questioning. His eyes steadied her restlessness. She took a breath, reached for her cup and took a sip. He didn't say a word. Just looked at her. Waiting. Patiently waiting. He never was in a hurry, when he was with her. She noticed his silent comfort. She had gotten it so often. She would not be the person she is now without it. He had formed a part of her as she knew she had formed part of him. She didn't want to think about all those other times, he had comforted her. It made her feel guilty for using him and never granting him, what he really wanted. It wasn't often she felt that guilt, but it was there. Sometimes.

"I think",

She took a small break, looking out towards the stars again.

"I think I am happy for him."

She took another breath and looked back into his waiting eyes. She raised her eyebrow in mock.

"At least I want to be happy for him."

She bit her lip.

Picard looked at her with a worried expression. He wanted to say something, wanted to comfort her, but he knew, he didn't have any words of relieve.

"As long as he was still with Starfleet, I somehow felt connected. But honestly…"

She lifted her head and looked him straight in the eyes.

"…after I had come back from Starfleet Medical, our relationship was strained and I had the impression, we never really got back to where we were before. I know he still loved me and how could I not love him. But in many ways, he was closer to you, Data, Geordi and Will. He had grown up and to put it in hard words, had gotten rid of his mother on the way."

Picard shook his head and wanted to reach for her hand, but she shook her head.

"Beverly, ..."

She silenced him lifting her hand.

"I might be seeing things a little bit one sided. But I am a mother and... well you know. I know it is natural for him to seek new friends and look up to other men. Kids look up to their fathers and try to find what lies beyond the mother. And I think, subconsciously one reason I applied for the Enterprise was, that I wanted to give him a chance to meet people, that had the same passion as his father."

She took another break, then swallowed.

"I wanted him to get to know you."

Picard's eyes flew open. While she had mouthed her last words, he had felt the old guilt again, but this revelation burned itself into his soul and he couldn't tell, whether it was joy or guilt, that accompanied it. Had he failed her again? He swallowed.

"I wanted him to get to know the man I had always respected the most. And still do."

"Beverly I don't know.."

He muttered.

She placed her hand onto his, silencing him. She smiled and looked him straight in the eyes.

"I know this might be a bit much for you now."

She took a deep breath, removing her hand. Still smiling she continued.

"I am glad I came onboard the Enterprise. And I am glad I came back. I am very thankful for everything the crew and especially you did for Wesley."

He shook his head, but she continued.

"Don't think little of you Jean Luc. Wesley looks up to you and I am glad, he could follow after you. He needed guidance and you gave that to him. Not so much with words or actions but simply by the way you treated him. By the way he was one of the crew. I would not have managed without you."

She leaned back. Picard was taken aback by her revelation. He knew how much she appreciated the little he had done for Wesley, but she had never mentioned how big his influence in the boys education and upbringing she thought he had. Wesley was really important to him, but he had never considered, to play such a big part in his life. Will and Geordi as well as Data seemed more reasonable people to thank for all he had become.

"You have me lost for words Beverly",

He stared smoothing the back of his head with his hand. He shook his head again.

"I think you overestimate my influence."

"Oh no!"

Beverly leaned forward and intervened before he could continue.

"Jean Luc. You don't have to say anything. Believe me. Just accept my praise and my thank you."

She raised both her eyebrows waiting for his answer. He smiled opening up his heart again, letting gratefulness sweep over to her. Because he indeed was grateful. Sometimes he was so full of guilt towards her he completely forgot, that she had forgiven him, alas she never blamed him. Neither for Jack's death, nor for having to raise Wesley all by herself. She never considered him guilty and yet she had forgiven him numerous times, because she knew he still felt guilty. That was just one of the reasons, she was such an incredible person.

She had gotten him speechless again. He took both her hands in his.

"I guess the thing left for me is to say. Thank you."

Slowly he let loose of her hands not wanting to lose contact.

"And may I add, that I feel very proud and honored and touched, that you trusted me with Wesley."

She leaned back, raised her left eyebrow and laughed.

"I wouldn't go that far, as I trusted you with Wesley."

He raised a mildly shocked eyebrow, giving her his full attention.

"I had a good eye on him, while he was with you all the time!"

With that she started to laugh. Picard shook his head in disbelief and started to laugh himself. Glad the tension was broken by one of her unfailingly witty remarks, he reached for the teapot raising it questioningly in her direction. She simply nodded, reached for her saucer and balanced it elegantly in his direction to help him refill her cup. She replaced it on the sofa table and sighed deeply.

Picard's expression changed from glad into worried. Not taking his eyes from Beverly he placed the pot back in the table.

"But now he seems to be out of reach and for the first time in my life I feel like I lost him completely."

She sighed again took a deep breath and then with a stern voice she said.

"A well, that's just, what every mother feels when her son grows up. I am lucky to have had him with me for so long."

She turned her head towards the viewport, trying to hide the tears that were silently running from her eyes. Picard looked at her, then moved closer and placed his hand on her shoulder. No words were needed. His touch only made her cry even more, feeling the security he gave her, allowed her emotions to freely flow on the surface. She slowly turned her head around.

"I am sorry Jean Luc..."

He shook his head.

"It is ok Beverly..."

He carefully pulled her towards him and she leaned on his shoulder, letting her tears freely fall, wetting his uniform. He didn't care. All he wanted was to be there for her. His hand cupped the back of her head, soothingly smoothing her hair. She placed her hand on his chest, feeling his heart. It always gave her strength to feel his heart. She cried silently and while doing so unconciously started to caress his chest. She was totally lost in feeling him. When she had cried out all tears ,she started to feel uneasy. She didn't want to move away from him. She wished his hand to stay where it was, caressing the back of her head and neck, and she wanted to stay in his arms forever and never remove her hand from the spot above his heart. Not because she felt lonely right now. Not because it had broken her heart to have seen her son leave to finally move on his own path, but because she truly loved him and wanted to be with him.

Reluctantly she moved away, removing her hand from his chest. He looked at her smiling tenderly. He removed his hand from her back, his other hand sliding down on her shoulder to keep her from moving too far away. Ever do slowly he raised his free hand and brushed the tears from her eyes. She leaned into his touch savoring the feeling of his hand on her face.

He smiled at her encouragingly.

"Feeling better?"

She nodded.

"I must look a mess."

He let out a small laugh. He reached over to get her cup.

"Have some tea!"

She slightly shook her head, producing a tiny smile on her lips. Then she took a mouthful of tea and swallowed.

"A Picard Family medicine. Tea is the answer to everything."

He smiled back, glad she had some of her wit back. Rolling his eyes, he said.

"And yet we are a family of vintners. So, one might have expected red wine to be the secret answer to everything."

"Unfortunately that tends to be a problem when applied not according to Doctor's orders."

Picard leaned forward to take the cup from her.

"But I am as fortunate as to only drink red wine with my favorite doctor."

She laughed. The first open laugh, since they had come into her quarters. He felt the strain moving from his body, calming down, starting to feel relaxed and happy himself.

They both leaned back on the sofa relaxing. Right now, there was no need for words. Lost in thoughts about their conversation they sat. Picard has leaned back, resting his head on the back of the sofa, hands folded in his neck.

Eyes closed he relived the conversation. He also remembered meeting Wesley for the first time, how annoying he was and that he really disliked his wisecracker's attitude. But slowly he kind of got used to him, even saw something of himself in him. He remembered the time, when he had told him, he would be a good father. Considering their relationship then, he was more than astonished about his words. He had wondered, whether that was something the boy really saw in him, or whether it was something he wanted to see in him or rather what he wanted him to older he got, the more he considered him something like a son. He never thought of him as a son though. He felt responsible for him in a more personal way than his Captain.

Beverly still sat in her corner, one of her legs under her body, the other leg she had pulled up, holding it a close hug, resting her chin on it watching her Captain. She loved those peaceful moments, when they both were just being together. They could sit in each other's company and read or simply be for hours. She especially loved, when she found him so peaceful. He rarely simply closed his eyes. He usually had a hard time letting go completely and showing himself defenseless, eyes closed, hands folded in the back of his neck. His stern features gone, he looked a lot younger. She watched a smile producing on his lips, then his mouth got straight again. The next smile even reached his eyes and she herself needed to smile with him.

Time passed bye and his breath got deeper and more even. She strechted the leg, she had rested her chin on, and poked him in his upper thigh.

"Are you sleeping?"

He turned his head and opened his eyes, but did not remove his hands from his neck. He smiled at her.

"What were you thinking about?"

"Wesley."

She raised an eyebrow at him and he sat up straight again, turning to sit to face her, one arm on the back of the sofa, the other resting in his lap. She leaned back in the corner waiting.

"Oh?"

Was all she said.

"I remembered the first time, I met him, how annoying I thought he was and that I gradually got used to him. Now I seem to be able to laugh about that, but I was willing to throw him off of the ship during the Tsiolkovski Incident. You cannot imagine, how mad I was at him by then!"

He looked at her smiling, but she looked down avoiding his gaze. That was one incident she would never forget and always feel embarrassed about during that crisis. She just hoped he would be gentleman enough, not to mention it now. It was bad enough, he probably also quite vividly remembered the spectacle she made out of herself back then.

She looked back up.

"I believe everyone considered him quite... quite annoying",

She finally said.

"It was not an easy time back then. He was so full of knowledge and enthusiasm to prove himself and living on a starship enhanced all this."

Picard smiled and shook his head.

„You don't need to excuse him. I understand."

Beverly stifled a yawn and pulled her leg closer to herself. Picard had found she often used that position as a barrier to hide herself behind. On other occasions it gave her something to hold on. A rock to stand on, so to say. He took a quick glance toward the chronometer.

"You are tired, I should be going."

She instantly shifted her position,n opening up towards him, she placed her hand onto his.

"No",

She said with an almost desperate tone.

"Please stay."

He smiled back at her, turned his hand so her hand came to lie in his palm.

"Of course."

She gently removed her hand from his.

"Do you want some fresh tea?"

He looked up to her and nodded. She slowly got up and went to the replicator, to fetch a fresh pot of tea. His eyes followed every step, every move. He took the sandwich plates and followed her.

"What had you been thinking about?"

He asked, when he stood right behind her, waiting for her to take the teapot out from the replicator niche to place the used plates inside. She lowered her head and slowly took the teapot.

"You...",

She ran her other hand along the smooth warm belly of the pot.

"I had been thinking about you."

She lifted the pot and turned around, not facing him. He quickly disposed the plates and followed after her. She stood, her back facing the viewport, bent down and filled their cups with hot steaming tea. Then she placed the pot on the table and bent up. He took another step and placed his hand lightly on her upper arm. She still didn't turn around, but went for her favorite place. This time she reached for her grandmothers blanket and placed it around her lap and legs. He sat down next to her, his upper body bent forward, his arms resting on his knees, he waited for her to continue.

She reached for her cup, took it up but then placed it down on the table again without drinking.

"Remember Rutia 4? When I got myself kidnapped?"

He slowly turned his head around to look at her. He lifted his upper body, but would still sit on the corner of the sofa feeling too uncomfortable to relax completely.

"Down there in the cave I said there was something I needed to tell you."

She paused again. Picard still felt stiff and unable to move, fearing that whatever he said now, whatever he did now would keep her from opening up entirely.

"But then we got interrupted, were saved and I never told you."

He nodded again. He had often wonder, what she had wanted to tell him. But after a while, that question had been buried deep down in his mind.

"I was about to tell you, that I fell on love with you. That I love you."

Her voice trailed off. She didn't know how to continue. He moved farther back on the sofa and moved to face her.

"Maybe with Wesley gone away and all my feelings lying on the surface, this is not the right time to tell you, but I fear if do not tell you now, I will never tell you. I had been in love with you all this years. Just as you, I kept my feelings and longings for you in stake. There were several occasions, I almost told you. On Rutia 4 I almost did."

She stopped again and for the first time since she came back to the sofa looked him into the eyes.

"But then you never did."

She shook her head. Her face showed deep sadness and maybe a hint of regret.

"No."

"Why Beverly?"

He sounded slightly desperate. She had loved him all those years and had never told him. But then again. Who was he to blame her? He had not once told her about his feelings for her. And he would never have done, had those feelings not involuntarily slipped out on Kesprytt. She at least had been on the verge of telling him. Not only once, but on several occasions. And all of a sudden, he understood. All of a sudden, he understood why she had said No those 3 months ago. They still were silent.

"I am sorry Beverly. I have no right to question your decision."

A tiny smile showed in her lips. She struggled the blanket from her legs and knelt on the sofa, so she would face him. She needed to touch him. She needed to connect to him physically, so she lifted her arm and placed her hand on his shoulder, then she slipped it down to rest on his chest just above his heart.

"Maybe not, but I want to tell you now. When I started to have these feelings for you, very small feelings many, many years ago, after we had just met, I decided to never show you. But no matter how hard I tried, I could never forget you. The second reason I came to the Enterprise was because I wanted to see, whether there would be a chance, you also had those feelings for me. I noticed there was something, but you were so full of guilt and your feelings were buried so deep down, I decided I needed to give up on the hope, we could become something more than friends."

She moved her hand up again and placed it on his shoulder. She started to carefully caress the side of his neck and when she trailed down away from it again, he quickly lifted his hand to place it on hers. He didn't want to lose that touch he had waited for so long. He had lost her so many times in his thoughts and this time he finally wanted to keep her.

"You never gave me any reason to believe you were interested in having a relationship beyond friendship with me. There was a spark, but I always assumed, I had been seeing more then there really was, because I wanted to see more."

He looked down on the hand on his chest again. She had started to slightly caress him again and he doubted she even noticed. He loved the feeling of her hand touching him in that tender way, even if there were some layers of cloth in between. Slowly he moved his hand up, laying it over hers as if to keep her over his heart forever.

"And we both had love affairs. I decided, I needed to get over you and I came close with Odan..."

"When Odan came to my ready room and asked me, how committed you were to Starfleet and whether I thought you might come to stay with him, I thought my world would fall apart."

He stated being astonished by his own frankness. She smiled and nodded.

"Vash was interesting, but when you started to date Nella, I was sure that I only had imagined things. It broke my heart and my last hope."

She took a deep breath.

"I had decided, I will bury my hope completely once and forever."

She drew her hand from him and brushed the strain that had fallen into her eyes behind her ear. She let out a tiny laugh. He placed his hand on one of her knees connecting again. All of a sudden Beverly got very serious and looked him straight in the eyes.

"Did you love Nella?"

He brushed his hand over his head and then started to knead his chin.

"I think I did love her. Time coming, I don't know whether it had worked out. But the time we spent together I loved her. I wanted to continue our relationship, but she insisted on a clear cut and although it hurt back then, I think it was the right thing to do."

Beverly nodded knowingly.

"I had that impression. You were very happy, weren't you?"

He nodded.

"I was. We shared something quite special. She was the only person, I felt liberated enough to share my music with. It was something, I had not experienced with anybody else. Music is very private, you know."

"I was very jealous."

He took her hand in his und brushed his thump over the back of her hand.

"I am sorry."

She smiled.

"Don't be. We were simply friends."

"No, I mean, it made ma also very jealous, that you shared your music with her."

He looked down. He couldn't say why he had never played the flute for her. Nella had simply asked him to. She practically had forced him too.

"Nella had simply asked me to. You had never asked."

She shook her head.

"No. I had never asked. You are right. I probably should have asked you. But I was so scared about that other life you had. You had a wife and children. I didn't want to learn too much about it..."

She looked out of the viewport for some time. He still held her hand and his thump still brushed tenderly over it. Still looking at the stars she continued.

"Do you think of them often?"

He shook his hesd

"No. The memory is still there but the emotions started to fade and what is left is more of a book that I read and cannot forget."

He watched her. She lay her head on her arm and stared into the stars. What was she thinking about? He knew, what he was thinking about. He simply wanted to take her into his arms and never let her go again. We have wasted so much time hiding our feeling. He swallowed the lump in his throat. Finally, he found the words he was looking for.

"Why did you send me away after Kesprytt."

She turned her head to look at him again. The she raised her hand and cupped his face. He involuntary leaned into her touch.

"Don't you see? I felt your emotions! I saw your imaginations and your dreams and yet you had told me those feeling were gone. What did you suppose me to do or think?"

He looked at her, a hint of horror in his eyes.

"Did you lie to me while sitting on the fire? Why did you tell me, you didn't have those feelings any longer and 24 hours later you ask me to start an intimate relationship with me? I didn't understand."

He opened his mouth to answer.

"Beverly, I..."

But she shook her head.

"Let me finish first."

She looked him in the eyes.

He nodded.

"What I had assumed was, that you had those feelings, but still didn't want me. I didn't know, whether it was because of Jack or other reason. You never talked about it. Had it been Jack we could have found a way. But after a while, I was sure it wasn't Jack. When we were back from the planet, I tried to find out what was going on. Was it about me? Had you put me so high above the ground, that I had become unreachable or had I failed you and was not enough. Or was it because of our positions here on the ship."

She removed her hand from his hand. She got up. She needed to stretch her legs. She didn't know, how long they had been sitting here. She felt tired and her body screamed for rest. It had been a very emotional day. She had not planned on talking to him about that. She had in fact planned on never talking about their locked away love for each other. They had grown to be accustomed to the way they handled that affair and it wasn't such a bad thing.

But then today everything had simply drifted to the surface and now they were at a point they couldn't go back. She couldn't predict the outcome of this evening and probably that was the hardest thing. She didn't even know, what she wanted. Oh well yes. She wanted him to stay in her life forever. But whether it was as a friend or a lover, she didn't know. Would they be able to go back to being simply friends or had she destroyed that equilibrium forever? But if not fiends, would they be able to tear down all the fences and hurdles, they had built up over the years and would they be able to trust the other one's love. The risk was imense and she felt it pressing her down.

He sat there feeling miserably. Selfpity started to threaten him. She was right. He had failed to be clear. She had seen his feelings towards her at the campfire. She had gotten a glimpse of his hurt, when they had talked about Jack and he had pushed her away by his statement. Why did he say it anyways? It was not true and she must have felt it. And then she had seen his daydreams. She had been sleeping so close to him and he had longed to touch her, longed to caress her, longed to be with her so much it had hurt.

But he didn't do it. He had felt her acceptance, but instead of rolling over to look in her eyes, he had stared into the stars. He claimed to him that it was inappropriate there but maybe he simply had been a coward. And he didn't do too much better when they were home. No wonder she had left his quarters this evening.

She stopped pacing and went down on front of him. She took his both hands.

"The evening back on the ship?"

He nodded.

"I had come to stay."

His eyes flew open.

She slowly closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. Before she could continue, he opened his mouth.

"But you left because even after I knew you loved me deeply, I couldn't tell you I loved you."

She nodded looking him into his face. His expression had changed, and she saw something she had never seen before and that gave her a hope they would manage. She saw defeat. Not the defeat she had seen after the Borg had invaded him, not after Gul Maldred. This defeat was not laid upon him by some person or any circumstances, nor by her or their conversation. This defeat was entirely coming from within him. He had deliberately given up. Maybe defeat was, after all, not the right word. He wasn't destroyed. He had surrendered to himself. To the man inside the man and Captain, he had made himself and others see in him. He had lay down all that burden to show a simple man, that loved a woman.

There in front of her was the man, she had always been drawn to. The man she loved. She had lived with the Captain and she also loved the Captain, but right now he had deliberately surrendered to the man she had always seen through his facades. The man she had fallen in love with all those years ago. This surrender gave her the hope she needed.

She slowly got up and moved to sit on the sofa next to him. She reached for his face, caressed his cheek and let her hand wander down to his neck to rest on his shoulder.

Picard didn't grasp what was happening. He felt defeated. He felt raw and unprotected. Had she pinched him, he would have fallen over. But instead she touched him ever so lightly and her touch burned confidence in him again. He raised his eyes to look at her.

"You don't hate me? You are not disgusted?"

He asked not believing the love he saw in her eyes.

She shook her head.

"All I see now is the man behind. And that is the man I always loved. And always will love. That is the man, no one will ever be able to take away from me."

He closed his eyes and pulled her close to rest his head on her forehead.

"I don't think I deserve you."

He muttered, but she placed her finger on his lips to silence his self-accusation. When he placed a kiss on her finger she slowly removed it. They moved slightly apart to look into each other's eyes again.

"But I love you anyways and I want you. This man loves you more than the Captain could ever love you."

He took a deep breath.

„I love you and I want to start a live with you. If you still take me, I am yours!"

She smiled, moving in to place a tender kiss on his lips.

"You always had me. You just didn't realize it. I love you and that could never change."

He leaned in to kiss her even deeper. He grabbed her waist to pull her closer and she wrapped her arms around his neck. When they came back for air, he leaned slightly back to study her face. Her cheeks were flushed and he noticed her lips were swollen. He gulped down the lump in his throat. This was really happening. This wasn't a dream, nor an imagination and it felt completely all right. He wanted this. His restraints were gone and he was sure: they will manage. Still he needed to make sure she really wanted this. He leaned over and kissed her tenderly. He barely managed to break that kiss, because she wouldn't let him. His voice got very serious.

"So, where do we go from here?"

She let out a tiny laugh, got up and stretched her hand in his direction.

"Further!"

-Fin-

or rather - the beginning


End file.
